33 posts tagged “douchebag”
On the last Friday of the Month (or thereabouts), I plan to write about a douchebag in my universe. The Urban Dictionary has a number of definitions; pick your favourite one and go from there.
I've already mentioned a few douchebags already here, like BLASPHEMOUS Sanjaya disser BBBBBlake Lewis, Greasy, Sweaty, Song-Stealing Aussie Douchebag Michael Johns, and Dead Wife Danny Gokey. And, I'm sure that next season's "American Idol" will spawn a new crop of douchebags. If not, there's always Randy, Kara, and Simon. While I'm waiting for "Idol" to start, I'll write about some douchebags outside of "Idol" land. Where to start?
Today's douchebag is a regular in the Dance Fit and Zumba classes at the gym. I warmly refer to her as Mule Kick. Mule Kick is a gym diva of the highest order. For starters, she comes into classes late and pushes her way to the front row. Even if the front row is crowded, she expects people to move over and make room for her. I hate to tell her this, but Len, Carrie-Ann, and Bruno are not hiding out in our Zumba class, waiting to sign her up for "Dancing with the Stars."
Once she is in the class, she acts as though she is the only person there. She takes up a lot of space, flailing her arms and kicking her legs, but doesn't respect anyone else's. In the Dance Fit class, there are a few routines that feature doing back kicks. Mule Kick does the back kicks high, like a mule. (Hence her name.) Anyone who is unfortunate enough to be behind her runs the risk of getting their teeth kicked in.
I initially cut her some slack because I thought she was doing what she was doing out of classic newbie cluelessness, but she's been at the gym for several months now. I wonder if she ever got called out on her rudeness. Someone else in Dance Fit gave her the stink eye.
Anyways, for narcissism and rudeness beyond the call of duty, I salute you, Mule Kick.
Today, I noticed that my evil, Elvis-hating cow-orker Lord Thingy was wearing glasses. Just like the ones that another hot and anointed being wears:
BLASPHEMY!
May Elvis show up in Chicago and bitch-slap Blago into another dimension.
The Georgia Straight published an article listing five reasons why Premier Gordouchebag wants BC to have the HST (Harmonized Sales Tax; basically combines the provincial sales tax with the GST). And here I was thinking:
- Because he's a douche
- Because he's a douche
- Because he's a douche
- Because he's a douche
- Because he's a douche
Considering that, overall, people are suffering financially, is it really such a great idea? Gordouchebag really reminds me of the evil guy in UHF. When Victoria Jackson's character asks him about the effect that his actions (specifically, putting Weird Al Yankovic's character's indy TV station out of business) will have on the community, he responds that the community means as much to him as a warm bowl of dog snot.
Okay, I promised myself that I wouldn't diss Danny Gokey now that "Idol" is over. (Oh, who am I kidding?) But then I heard about this. Twerpy Ryan Seacrest and KIIS FM (a radio station in LA) are hosting a contest where the prize is an all-inclusive DREAM WEDDING in Beverly Hills. Hokey Gokey is the entertainment at said wedding.
Now, would Hokey Gokey sing "Jai Ho" at said wedding? And would he promise not to reference his dead wife? (You know he will.)
So, here is what the former Cardinal Rat Bastard had to say about unfettered capitalism:
“Profit is useful if it serves as a means towards an end,” he writes. “Once profit becomes the exclusive goal, if it is produced by improper means and without the common good as its ultimate end, it risks destroying wealth and creating poverty.”
Which still doesn't explain how Lord Thingy got in to see him. President Obama and the douchebag who is the Canadian PM will be visiting the Pope sometime this week. How did Lord Thingy get to have something in common with them? I mean, I'm a far better (and nicer) person than he is. I even say nice things about Elvis Presley.
In other news, the American Idol tour rolled through town today. I celebrated the occasion by wearing an argyle sweater in the tour colours of my least favourite contestants (I also couldn't stand Matt Giraud).
Oh, and Michael Jackson's memorial service was held today in LA. I missed it, although I hear that Jennifer Hudson sang.
Fortunately, my blog is obscure enough that I can make fun of Hokey Gokey without his legions of followers finding out. So, since I don't have anything else to write about, I think I will mock Hokey.
On Friday, the Zidane and Friends soccer game was postponed. Zizou threw his back out trying to lift his kid up to see Canada Day fireworks. So now he has time to go take in the Idols tour show (he can say that he was taking his kids) and give Hokey Gokey a coup de boule. Excellent. While he's at it, he should give Michael Sarver a coup de boule as well. And maybe Matt Giraud.
Maybe Hokey could sing a cover of La Plage's song Coup de Boule on his upcoming album. In French, of course. (He'll probably sing a lot of boring songs that reference the dead wife, though.)
Speaking of hot and anointed people, isn't Lord Thingy due back in the office? I guess he and Benny talked about how much they both hate Elvis and how being an Elvisfan is something on the papal naughty list.
...for Sarah Palin has resigned. Hopefully, she'll stay away from the rest of us. Far, far away. Maybe if the rest of the world is lucky, someone will run her over with a snow machine. Or she'll get run over by a herd of rampaging caribou.
Sadly, I don't think she's going to fade into obscurity. She's too much of a media whore. Hopefully, the most exposure she'll get is an appearance on "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here."
Alain de Botton received a crappy review on his latest book from the New York Times. He responded as follows:
"I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make. I will be watching with interest and schadenfreude."
Wow. This is almost as good as Anne Rice's "You are interrogating the text from the wrong perspective. Indeed, you aren't even reading it." Only I can actually make some use from this quote. Maybe I will use it on the Other Hot and Anointed One, Lord Thingy. The original hot and anointed one was:
(How the hell did Lord Thingy get in to see the Pope, anyways? One of my coworkers who attends his church saying that the officiating priest was telling the congregation just how hot and anointed LT is this week. I think I just might lose my lunch.)
In other news, the Zidane and Friends soccer match will be on Saturday, and the American Idols tour rolls into town next week. I wish that the promoters of these shows had joined forces and combined the two. Danny Gokey could sing the French song "Coup de Boule," and then Zinedine Zidane could join him onstage and give him an actual coup de boule. (Of course, Gokey can only wish that he were a fraction as hot and anointed as Zizou. No one has written a book called La melancholie de Gokey, have they?)
So the Jonas Brothers (whoever they may be) will be in town this week. And Princess Jorbacca will be opening for them. I wish I could go and throw something at Princess Jorbacca.
The Idols tour comes to Vancouver next week. I didn't want to pay $78 to see Hokey Gokey, so I'm not going. I'll bet that Lord Thingy is taking his kids to see Gokey.
